Spiritual Insecurity
After considering taking a hiatus from writing on this, I decided against it. Lately it seems to be causing more problems than it has ever attempted to solve but, since those problems are mine and not the blog's, I don't think the subject should be neglected just because of my own particular foibles.
No, the very real issue comes right down to spiritual insecurity. My own, as you may be able to tell from my latest batch of posts, is becoming more of a problem instead of less of one (as was originally intended by creating this thing in the first place). I'm not sure exactly who to blame for this but my name keeps coming up so I'll run with that for now.
To be completely honest, it's hard to do what I think my mind is attempting to do, and this creates stress on me and the people who depend on me to be a spiritually "strong" person. I'm not sure that I've ever been strong in a spiritual sense though it's clear that I've appeared that way at certain points in my history. But, lately, the problem is less "which hill should I climb?" and more "which direction am I falling down the hill this time?"
A lot of my time and effort lately are being spent trying to make things make sense. Trying to force the puzzle pieces to fit or reconcile like bank account transactions. At every turn, I feel like I'm being foiled because they just don't seem to do so and it's doubly hard when I look around and feel like everyone else has a very firm handle on all of this "religion" stuff. For a long time I thought that knowledge was the answer to my difficulties with understanding but now I'm no longer sure of that.
It seems to me like operation creates reality for a lot of people I see. This is something I've been thinking a lot about lately; if you operate under the assumption (or belief) that something is true, does it really make a difference whether it is or not? Personally I'm starting to believe it's less important for something to be true in the face of what is actually happening. I'm willing to bet that the majority of us don't wake up and take time reaffirming our beliefs, or even check in to see how they're doing, but while we operate under their influence it doesn't really matter.
I'm supposed to do X and so I do. I'm not supposed to do Y so I do not. The problem with these statements is that they become a set of weird legalistic rules that don't have any emotional or intellectual ties. I'm supposed to go to "church." I'm not supposed to swear or drink excessively. Do people examine their reasoning for these things are are they merely "following the crowd at chow time" on autopilot because so many other things in their life desire their full attention?
Maybe it's a focus thing. Perhaps I haven't been able to apply the same level of focus on my spiritual growth as I did last year. At the risk of raising some eyebrows I am will to say that my network of spiritual support beams has diminished quite a bit over the past while. If you look at some of the past events in my "spiritual" life, some of my discontentment and confusion might seem justified, but haven't I gotten over those things by now? Have I gotten past the letdowns of disenfranchisement?
Just thinking about going to church puts a mood into my brain about what I will expect there. Small group is similar, but at least I'm more comfortable and able to respond to the things I disagree with (however limited that might be). When its just me alone, my thoughts do wrestle with each other and conflict until I basically decide that I can't think about it anymore rather than drawing an actual conclusion. The only "real" conclusion I've come up with lately is that it's impossible to argue with myself. It's like playing chess with myself, spinning the board around all the while knowing what I'm going to do next.
I guess ultimately it comes down to asking (and answering) what it is I want. But it isn't even as simple as that because I'm not the only person involved in my life anymore. I also have to factor in what's expected of me both now and in the future. All of this is very tough and if it doesn't look very promising in the short term at least now you have a general feeling of why.
No, the very real issue comes right down to spiritual insecurity. My own, as you may be able to tell from my latest batch of posts, is becoming more of a problem instead of less of one (as was originally intended by creating this thing in the first place). I'm not sure exactly who to blame for this but my name keeps coming up so I'll run with that for now.
To be completely honest, it's hard to do what I think my mind is attempting to do, and this creates stress on me and the people who depend on me to be a spiritually "strong" person. I'm not sure that I've ever been strong in a spiritual sense though it's clear that I've appeared that way at certain points in my history. But, lately, the problem is less "which hill should I climb?" and more "which direction am I falling down the hill this time?"
A lot of my time and effort lately are being spent trying to make things make sense. Trying to force the puzzle pieces to fit or reconcile like bank account transactions. At every turn, I feel like I'm being foiled because they just don't seem to do so and it's doubly hard when I look around and feel like everyone else has a very firm handle on all of this "religion" stuff. For a long time I thought that knowledge was the answer to my difficulties with understanding but now I'm no longer sure of that.
It seems to me like operation creates reality for a lot of people I see. This is something I've been thinking a lot about lately; if you operate under the assumption (or belief) that something is true, does it really make a difference whether it is or not? Personally I'm starting to believe it's less important for something to be true in the face of what is actually happening. I'm willing to bet that the majority of us don't wake up and take time reaffirming our beliefs, or even check in to see how they're doing, but while we operate under their influence it doesn't really matter.
I'm supposed to do X and so I do. I'm not supposed to do Y so I do not. The problem with these statements is that they become a set of weird legalistic rules that don't have any emotional or intellectual ties. I'm supposed to go to "church." I'm not supposed to swear or drink excessively. Do people examine their reasoning for these things are are they merely "following the crowd at chow time" on autopilot because so many other things in their life desire their full attention?
Maybe it's a focus thing. Perhaps I haven't been able to apply the same level of focus on my spiritual growth as I did last year. At the risk of raising some eyebrows I am will to say that my network of spiritual support beams has diminished quite a bit over the past while. If you look at some of the past events in my "spiritual" life, some of my discontentment and confusion might seem justified, but haven't I gotten over those things by now? Have I gotten past the letdowns of disenfranchisement?
Just thinking about going to church puts a mood into my brain about what I will expect there. Small group is similar, but at least I'm more comfortable and able to respond to the things I disagree with (however limited that might be). When its just me alone, my thoughts do wrestle with each other and conflict until I basically decide that I can't think about it anymore rather than drawing an actual conclusion. The only "real" conclusion I've come up with lately is that it's impossible to argue with myself. It's like playing chess with myself, spinning the board around all the while knowing what I'm going to do next.
I guess ultimately it comes down to asking (and answering) what it is I want. But it isn't even as simple as that because I'm not the only person involved in my life anymore. I also have to factor in what's expected of me both now and in the future. All of this is very tough and if it doesn't look very promising in the short term at least now you have a general feeling of why.
Labels: insecurity, life, spiritual
posted by Todd Newton at 14:03
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